the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
my shit smells like andre
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
