my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
