on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
