I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
