I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
