I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
