I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
