i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
