Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
