hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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