i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
