One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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