Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
