i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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