i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
