I looked at my own cervix.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize