Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize