If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize