i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
