Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
