I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Someone shit on the floor
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
