Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He better not be in your backpack
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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