I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
