I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
