why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My dad just said "fuck circus"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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