Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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