It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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