I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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