Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
