I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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