Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
