It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
