We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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