1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
