Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
