I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize