guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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