I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
