you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
