That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
