Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
