I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize