she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
