so explain again why im purple
no
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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