I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
