I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Michael Bay diarrhea
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
