btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
