I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
