I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
