If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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