I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
