if i can run in heels then i can drive
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize