He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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