We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
