I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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