I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
