I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
