Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
