He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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