I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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