I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
