The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
