Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
