can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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