When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
